Late in May my brother was admitted to hospital little did I know he would not leave. I feel he knew in his heart the time was soon but he had massive trouble sharing that with those close to him. I wanted to get on a plane and see him as I felt what he was saying, he then asked me to do something for him. He asked me not to go, he asked me to stay and help him. He asked me to be his pen pal, to be the one he could write all his fears, feelings and thoughts, he wanted me to listen, to advice.
It was an Honor to say yes.
Until the day he died he and I exchanged hundreds of emails, some long some short. We talked about the football, cars, heaven, dying. We talked about his fears, his pain, we talked about his family and we talked about mine.
We agreed that no matter what time of day it was if he needed to write I would be there and reply, so every day I took my Laptop home, I would sleep at 9pm and wake up at 2-3am, to match his hours as I knew there would be email from him. During this time he was really scared on three occasions. One when he was told he only had weeks to live, the second when he thought the time was up and the third was when he knew it was, his last email was on Monday morning. After that email he fell in and out of deep sleep and then at 5.30am on Tuesday he died.
I was told he never let go of his phone but could not use it. After his last email I never stopped sending mine, I kept telling him I loved him, that all was ok, he had done awesome things, I just kept writing I loved him and not to be scared. I believe he knew I was doing that, I believe my energy was with him.
When I was told his fight was over, I was on one hand so relieved that his suffering was done and dusted but what happened to me after that was so hard.
I looked at my laptop, and it hit me no more emails, no more joy, no debates about shit, no more getting over his fears, there was no more. I was so lost, I had committed night and day to my brother for all this time and now he was gone
Last night I came into the office and I didn’t pack my laptop, I went home empty handed but in reality it was more than empty handed, yesterday I lost part of my life force and that is worse than empty hands.
One of things Craig asked me to do was write his last blog for his “The Blog of MY Cancer Battle”
I think this will be it. You see Cancer is a terrible thing, it’s a long battle, it’s not instant. It effects so much those that have it, but it also effects those that watch it and live feeling it.
So if this is the blog, I know my brother would have said to all those that are suffering the, “Empty Hands” the broken hearts, the loss of that life force? Know one thing it may be the Death of a Body but it is the Birth of a Soul, and that? Will be with you forever.
Love You My Brother Craig always will.